Bathroom Ettiquite at work...

Post by **JDMcd8** » August 31, 2005

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

jdm delivery · Post by **jdm delivery** » August 31, 2005

omg i hope you have more of a life than this. but that was fucking hilarious

Post by **Sean @ NDF** » August 31, 2005

i think i've read that before, but its hillarious anyway. And so true!

Secret Squirrel · Post by **Secret Squirrel** » August 31, 2005

hahah that was great...good thing i dont have an office job, but i do have SCHOOL!

SS

Post by **BRYCE** » August 31, 2005

ahah! awesome. i loved the turd burglar, i am just imagming someone that is shaky to be in there in the first place, but then some ass is trying to bust in the door ahaha

Post by **JDMcd8** » August 31, 2005

deadontheinside wrote:omg i hope you have more of a life than this. but that was fucking hilarious

i definitely do, lol, it was sent by a co-worker....i thought it was hilarious

Post by 77 » August 31, 2005

Good stuff. :idea:

Post by **Nikku** » August 31, 2005

omfg HILARIOUS!

Post by **kotomile** » August 31, 2005

Oh man I took a dump at my new job for the first time today, it was fierce I tell you what.

idreamidrive · Post by **idreamidrive** » August 31, 2005

the turd buglar reminds me of the dane cook thing on comdedy centrel presents... if you know what i am talking about. imagine that type of turd burglar